“Why aren’t you angry?”
My therapist asked, with a bewildered expression on her face.
“It’s been a while now and I still haven’t seen you get angry?”
I’d been seeing a Therapist, Liane* weekly since the day I asked my husband for a divorce. We were several months into seeing one another when she blurted the question out.
It hadn’t really crossed my mind. But it was true, I didn’t and I don’t feel anger about my failed marriage. Or the man I chose to pick as a life partner.
Don’t get me wrong. I do get angry. I feel wrath. Get under my skin and I will rise up like a tidal wave, wreaking havoc as I smash down into the perpetrator, with toxic words piercing his exterior like poisonous arrows. Yet my feelings regarding the separation and my ex weren’t instinctive or primal.
They were the result of years and months of gradually being worn down. I was being emotionally abused by my ex, a narcissist. He couldn’t see his own behaviour. He was completely mystified when I chose to leave him.
“But the children are happy. I am happy. The only problem is you. Why would you leave this?”
It’s sad because he genuinely believed the above. My happiness wasn’t of significance to him. We had a regular healthy income, two beautiful children, a vast social network and enjoyed regular trips away – what more could I want?
I was often accused of believing “the grass is greener”.
I was also woken at night by my husband having “relations” with me, apparently this was acceptable as I was his wife. He barked at me whenever I pulled my phone out (which as a freelancer was a necessity). He made me breastfeed in a room alone to avoid offending his family. I was never allowed the opportunity to time alone, he’d barrage me with endless phone calls reminding me of my failings that day. In every activity I conducted in front of him, I was belittled to the stage that I started to believe I was the person he saw.
So no, I wasn’t angry. I was full of adrenaline and fear. I was emotionally exhausted and drawing on what little reserves I had. I knew I had a long journey ahead rediscovering myself. Building myself up again. I would need to find the back bone he had worn down if I was going to get what I and my children deserved.
I knew I also needed to address what had led me to being here. How and why did I allow someone like him into my life? That’s an ongoing journey.
I needed to find peace. Peace in my surroundings, but most importantly, peace internally. Anger has no place there. It’s a healthy emotion. I’m a strong believer in sitting with your emotions. But anger is not one I have to sit with.
There are plenty of other demons I have to confront. But anger has no place here.
I twisted my hair round my fingers and awkwardly shuffled in my seat. Not entirely sure how I was meant to feel.
“I guess I just haven’t. Should I?” I meakly replied to Liane.
I was yet to realise I didn’t need anyone else’s validation in how to feel, but I was heading down the right path..